The Humility of My Visit to the OBGYN

I'm back and it was quite a trip. My appointment at the gyno was eventful. I got there and Dr. Shah was delayed in surgery. My appointment was scheduled for 1:50 p.m. and I don't think I saw her until around 3 p.m. The receptionist apologized to all Dr. Shah's patients that were accumulating in the waiting room and explained her absence. She asked us if any of us wanted to reschedule. I figured I had waited months to see her, I could wait another hour or so. So I did. I had a good book with me, and I had taken the rest of the day off of work so I just sat back and watched all the other people that arrived get a bit frustrated. Most choose to wait.


After I was called back by the med. tech. she took my weight and BP and then escorted me to the examining room. Once alone, I shivered and shifted awkwardly in my paper top that opened in the front, and dag gone it... there was no bottom, you just put your naked butt on the paper covered table and cover yourself with a smallish paper blanket. I waited in silence, chewing on my lower lip.

Dr. Shah came in within a few minutes and she asked me how things are going. I always break down in her presence, so I began to blubber anew, and to tell her about the latest stresses in my life, job insecurities, worried about the loss of our medical insurance when I'm student teaching in the spring, infertility worries etc. and she reassured me before going over the ultrasound results. As she was talking, I realized I was sweating and that the paper beneath me was wet with sweat and starting to fall apart. The combined emotional blubbering and anxiety over what she was telling me about my ultrasound was a bit much to absorb all at once.

I got through the pelvic exam with damp and shredded paper clinging to my butt and afterwards met with Dr. Shah to go over my test results and her recommendation as to how we should proceed.

Dr. Shah explained how there was a cyst on my right ovary at the time of the ultrasound (not my left side where I feel the pain) and that there were two polyps (most likely non-cancerous) in my uterus. She explained how these cysts are normal and occur with ovulation and then go away. She also told me that the test showed that the lining of my uterus is also thicker than normal.

She advised I undergo a D and C out-patient operation, so next week, I'll schedule an appointment to get my uterus wall thinned, remove the polyps and shave away the extra lining that could be interfering with conception and giving me extra hard periods with heavy bleeding (My Mom had the same troubles). The D and C is the equivalent of cleaning our your gutters. Stuff accumulates that interferes with the optimal functioning of the system, so you go in and clean it out.

After the D and C, Dr. Shah cautioned me, "Nothing in the Wagina for two weeks." I took that to mean I had to abstain from sexual intercourse. She told me about the normal risks of the surgery but I was encouraged that she has done many of these surgeries and bolstered by the thought that seems routine. I'm always worried about being in that small percentage of patients that experience complications.

A couple of weeks after the D and C (outpatient surgery) she wants to do a dye test to see if my Fallopian Tubes are open. My periods are regular (which indicates I'm probably ovulating), and my uterus is retro-fitted so it tilts away and down. She said 30% of women have this anomaly and are able to get pregnant. In August, I will be scheduled to get a new ultrasound to survey any changes.

Dr. Shah was very helpful and reassuring. Still, I live in fear that I have or will have cancer or die from some freak accident during surgery. I keep having those out-of-control dreams, you know, the ones where your teeth fall out, or you're driving a giant delivery truck through an unfamiliar city and the huge steering wheel is on the wrong side of the truck, and you can't quite reach the brakes? That's my nightmare... I really have this horrible feeling that God doesn't care about me and would let something bad happen to me. I know that sounds terrible. I am living with fear.

Ever since I started feeling my own mortality, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop or the other house (like on the Wicked Witch of the East). Now that I have seen loved ones die and have been through surgeries and car accidents and now living with this pain in my uterus, and seeing my body age and change, I know that I am going to die someday, and I do not feel carefree anymore. I am humbled, but I am also afraid.