"Hormone Hell" and "The Air Down There"

Hormone Hell
If you're a woman, you know the emotional torture of "The Curse," and if you're a man living with a woman, so do you. You're both along for the ride. Some of us drive that car better than others and for some of us, we're both passengers and the car...is out of control. Some people choose to regulate the effects of these hormone surges with birth control pills. That's not such a hot idea when you're trying to have kids though...

Sunday was a tough day emotionally. Chocolate cravings and pre-menstrual emotional roller coaster rides abounded, but my house is clean! (Poor Jeff)

Part of me never wants to go to church again on Mother's Day. I certainly won't go without tissues. The message was so emotional, I was wiping my eyes and nose with a crumpled up bulletin insert.

I knew it would be tough (with the handing out of the plants to all the moms) wishing I could be one, realizing that I probably never will, but then I just felt emotionally beat over and over again by the sermon. Admittedly, it was tough. Sure, God opens and closes wombs. He also allows bad things to happen to good people. Chalk it up to living in a sinful world and not as a personal vendetta the Lord has against sinful me.

It's hard to be in a small church, and feel like the sermon is featuring you and knowing that everyone knows that you're probably feeling miserable. It was embarrassing and just not a good day for my mental health. I guess I just need not care what other people think. My husband and I want kids and haven't been able to have them. The doctors say we're physically OK based on the preliminary tests.

Yesterday in church, I felt the stares of people as the pastor talked about there being people in the congregation wanting to have children and being unable to do so... there aren't that many people in the congregation of child bearing age that are childless, and I felt this big spotlight shining right on Jeff and I, even if that was not the intent, because as Purpose Driven Pastor so aptly puts it, "It's not about you." I went to the bathroom to fix my face during prayer so that no one would see me blubbering like a baby. No pun intended.

Getting pregnant with the use of pharmaceuticals like Clomid are just not for me. I don't want to take any drugs that increase the number of eggs you drop because there are so many negative side effects and unknown long term consequences of taking these drugs. One of the dangers of taking Clomid is an increased risk of getting cancer. I figure, if God wants me to be pregnant I will be. But I hate the social stigma that goes along with being barren.

I realize that this is 2008 and that the social stigma has weakened somewhat over the years, but I think people still wonder and speculate why God has closed your womb when you can't have kids. My answer is that it isn't because we're any more evil than the average bear, it's just not happening for us to our dismay and disappointment. Maybe having a retro-fitted uterus DOES make it more difficult to have kids.

The Air Down There
I've been having pains in the left lower quadrant of my pelvis. My doctor said I probably pulled my groin, but for the life of me, I can't remember doing that and it just seems like I should remember. The nurse practitioner at the gyno said she couldn't feel and cysts on my ovaries, but that she'd send me to get a pelvic ultrasound just for "peace of mind."

When I went for my pelvic ultrasound last Monday, the technician inserted a giant, lubricated wand into my private area and fished around for my ovaries keeping me talking the whole time to help me try and relax.

It's very difficult to make conversation about everyday things when you have someone fishing around your cavernous uterus for your reproductive organs. It was like something out of the X-files, except this wasn't an alien doing the probing, it was a nice lady I'll call Rose.

Rose had to find a lot of things to talk about while she tried to locate my ovaries, "...oh, sometimes they're hard to find..don't worry."

"Yeah, I'll try not to," I said, grimace, grimace.

We talked about me wanting to have kids, about the "retro" fit of my uterus...most people have a uterus shaped like a cup or "u." Mine is shaped more like a lower case "n." I asked if that interfered with conception and she said that they used to think that it did but that was no longer the case and that a retro-fitted uterus is a typical abnormality as far as they go. I'm still waiting the results of the probe a week later.

I'm not going to make any vows to God to try and get him to give in and give us a baby, I just trust him to know what's best, even though I hate it. I don't like not being in control of my own ability to pro-create. But I guess it's more of an "inability" to do so.

Jeff and I are not on the same page as far as adoption is concerned, so that just isn't an option right now. I'm not getting any younger but I am getting more and more frustrated. I am not content and I don't feel like God cares. Yeah, that about covers it.

I know, I know. There are so many worse things that could be happening to me, I need to try and keep it in perspective. It's just that sometimes I struggle to control my disappointment and lack of contentment over that which I think should be happening and isn't.