Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Don't Bother Trying to Mess with the Zohan

It ain't worth it. If you were planning on going to the theatre to see Adam Sandler's newest comedy, skip it... and the DVD release. Save your money for other things, ...like funny comedies. Adam, you disappoint me.

At the conclusion of the movie...well, no back up...throughout the movie, my husband basically said, "I told you so!" and he was right. This movie was one junior high sex allusion after another. There wasn't enough real humor to even categorize this as a comedy let alone string one flat scene to another. It was like watching bad, foreign porn. The unimaginative kind...and I don't even have a basis of comparison. This was in unbelievably poor taste.

What did I expect? I know. I know. It's Adam Sandler. Billy Madison. Happy Gilmore. The Wedding Singer. 50 First Dates. Click. And now this trash.

I am loathe to admit, my Christian morals were prepared to be compromised to a certain degree (this is a Happy Gilmore production), but the silly sex jokes would not stop coming. I kept waiting for something funny to happen, but it never did.

This flick is about an Israelli counter-terrorist who smuggles himself to America in an animal container on a plane, so that he can leave his former life of violence behind to cut and style hair, making it "silky smooth."

Stuck in the era of big, feathered hair and disco, Sandler's character, Zohan, sleeps with anything female that isn't nailed down, and has sex with his customers after he styles their hair which keeps them coming back for more and the shop owner he's working for, in business.

There are numerous cameos by multiple celebrities, but even their appearances can't make up for how low this movie sank me into the pit of disappointment and despair. It was enough to embarass me into spending half the time plugging my ears and shading my eyes. I kept looking at Jeff and apologizing. It's sad to see what depths of depravity Sandler has sunk to, to try and get laughs. He seemed to go from great music and funny spoofs, to poor taste with over-sexed doofs.

His other movies, like The Wedding Singer, and 50 First Dates had that kind of something that makes you want to smile and cry at the same time. Tonight I simply wanted to wash my mouth, ears and eyes out with soap, all at once and then do it again, just to be sure I rid myself of all the smut.

I can count on my fingers, more times that I saw naked butts than I can reasons to watch this movie. I'll say it again, save your movie money for somthing funny, cause this movie isn't. Two thumbs DOWN.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Grandmas (LOL Funny!)

From an email my grandmother sent to me:

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and thenhe asked, "Did you start at 1?" *********************************************************************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from atire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,taking thisin. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" **********************************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's wordprocessor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so Icontinued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm notsure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "it means carrying a child."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids homeone day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the firetruck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another,"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Friday, June 13, 2008

Thankful for My Husband

Last night I had another moment of weakness and really gave my husband a good a** chewing. I could trivialize it and chalk it up to monthly hormones (which I CAN attribute a goodly part of it to), but I won't because I want to take responsibility for the words that came out of my mouth, that ground him a new cake hole.

Out of gratefulness that he's still mine, I changed my profile picture on my MySpace page to one of the two of us. We are imperfect, he and I. We both cause eachother pain, and we struggle to communicate and our conflict resolution skills leave something to be desired. But we stick it out, and I think I may even be able to convince him to go to counseling, though he's not that type by nature.We have not arrived. We don't have it all figured out and we cause eachother unhappiness, but you know what? He's not meant to be the source of my happiness, God is. Jeff and I are both imperfect beings, and as such, could never be the source of perfect happiness for one another nor are we meant to be.

Does this mean that we are exempt from caring for one another and doing our best to love, honor and cherish one another, as we promised to in our wedding vows before God and man, hell no! Jeff and I are honor bound to fulfill those vows and to hold one another accountable, and to correct one another in love. We are also to respond in humility and to forgive one another.

Jeff pointed something out to me last night in the heat of our marital battle. He said that he didn't know if I could forgive, that he didn't know if I was capable of it, because I say I forgive him, and then I bring it up later to remind him of it.I told him humans don't forget like God. He said that we aren't supposed to hold something against someone and bring it up again, because if we do we haven't totally forgiven, and you know what, he's right. And I didn't like it. I pointed out that he must not truly have forgiven me for things then because he brings up things to me. I didn't want him to know I thought he was right or that I agreed with him. I didn't even want to CONSIDER the implications of his words, because I wanted to be ready with my next barb for him, my next attack, my next mortar of evil intent. I wanted him to feel how much he annoyed me right then, how many things he did that offended me or made me angry with him.

And there it was. I haven't truly forgiven him for things he has done against me. I was so intent on harping on him for not asking for my forgiveness the right way when he had hurt me (you know, like a REAL apology stating what he did wrong and then asking me to forgive him) that I realized I don't really forgive. Jesus says that unless I truly forgive others, my heavenly father won't forgive me.So today at lunch, I'm going to apologize to Jeff and ask him to forgive me (regardless of whether or not he does the same) and I'm going to ask him to make a plan with me to work on our communication skills and go for counseling because I don't want to live another 7 years without making changes. Our marriage could be so much better than it is, if we would just stop focusing on the other persons imperfections and start working on being a better spouse and lover for the benefit of our spouse and of our marriage together.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

To Be a Good Liberal...

What follows is an email that was forwarded to me from a very funny, very conservative relative.

To be a good liberal...

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by documented cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do care.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make 'The Passion of the Christ' for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is a very nice, normal person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say 'Merry Christmas.'

Monday, June 9, 2008


Well, I made it through surgery...I'm tired, but I'm OK. The doc couldn't find any polyps when she gutted me, but she says they could be hiding in all the stuff she sent to the lab to be analyzed. (Not her words of course). It's weird, because there were two on the ultrasound before the surgery.

Anyway, thanks for your prayers. Please continue to pray for healing. I'll write more when I'm feeling up to it.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

Hostile Womb

I'm having surgery on Monday to eliminate some endometriosis issues and some pesky polyps. Within the span of a month, I found out my uterus was tilted (retro-tilted to be exact) and that 30% of women experience this tilt and that it supposedly does NOT prevent pregnancy, that I had a thickened lining in my uterus, a cyst on my right ovary, and two polyps in my uterus (a result of a thickened lining).

The recommended treatment is a routine procedure called a Dialation and Cureletage or D and C. It's out-patient, but you can't drive yourself home because they knock you out for the surgery. They dialate your cervix (after knocking you out) then they stick a camera and a special knife into your womb and the surgeon shaves it and sucks out the junk that's clogging your business.

Bad News: Post-procedure you can expect bleeding and some cramping.
Good News: It increases your chances of being able to conceive

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Great news for people struggling to make babies!

My gyno, cautioned me not to put anything in my vajayjay for two weeks after the procedure. That includes tampons and more importantly, no sex! So we'll have to wait to do the deed. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to continue taking prenatal vitamins etc.

I'm trying to remain unexcited and hopeless so that I do not allow myself to be disappointed again if this doesn't work out.

But it's no wonder I haven't been preggers yet, what with Jeff's sperm having to run the gauntlet up hamburger hill to reach my eggs. Picture that if you will....

Here's to fertility in the barren land of "Hostile Womb."

The Eye of Sauron

An odd title for a post, to be sure, but as I was staring out my office window this morning after my first cup of coffee, I started thinking about my upcoming surgery on Monday and about how I take things and people for granted sometimes. So what does that have to do with Tolkien's chief antagonist in his book The Lord of the Rings? Well, I'll tell you.

At the end of the third book in Tolkien's trilogy, the evil eye of Sauron is scanning all around, looking for the good guys who are seeking to destroy the Ring of Power, his ring, the one he has been searching to find for years and years to reclaim. It is the thing he wants most in life, the thing that will return him to ultimate power.

Sauron is so intent on looking for the ring where he thinks it will be found that he misses what's right in front of him, two bedraggled hobbits, sneaking under his piercing gaze to destroy his precious ring.

I don't normally compare myself to an evil antagonist in a fantasy novel, but in this case I'll make an exception. Sometimes, I'm scanning all around, seeking for that which I desire most: to prevent, to find, to know, whatever, ...and it's either right in front of me and I was too blind to notice or I've underestimated somebody, or I've simply taken them for granted and they are right there in front of me. I've just been too busy or too tired to notice it/them.

This morning, my husband, stumbling around in his morning fog getting dressed for work, sat down hard on my feet and ankles as I was lying in bed, just waking up. I cried out in pain and annoyance. Couldn't he plainly see my feet sticking outside the covers, not to mention the shape of my body curved around to his side of the bed? Was he that oblivious to anyone but himself? All these thoughts occurred to me in a flash before he grunted and apologized, but it was one of those apologies that said, "It's your fault, not mine really." He immediately made an excuse, "I thought it'd be safe here on my side of the bed."

"Didn't you SEE my FEET?" I cried in agony. (Well, less agony, more annoyance). He sighed and shrugged...and promptly left the room. No goodbyes...he just left for work.

The point is...when we're wrapped up in our own little problems, sometimes we fail to see those of the people around us and their needs.

On the drive in to work today as I sat nursing my hot coffee, waiting for the light to change, I tried to be as observant as I could, letting details that usually escape me, stand out in great detail. Things I usually took for granted captured my attention, and held it sharply, even for a few moments before they sailed by on the journey to the office.

I want to see the people around me and notice them. I want to remember what the sky looks like this afternoon, or how good the coffee smells when it's brewing. I want to remember the smile on my husbands face when I hold his hand and tell him I love him, even if he did crush my feet and run off with a half-hearted apology, without saying goodbye, because I know, I'm just as guilty of ignoring his needs and because I don't want to forget what it's like to really live.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

God Bless All Our Teachers

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, let me see if I've got this right:

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, and a big smile.

You want me to do all this and then you tell me.......


PC Magazine's Award Winning Letter 2007

Alright readers...I'm not sure if this is even true, but it is a funny rant from a former customer of PC products. My Aunt Margie sent this to me for laughs...It's rated PG-13 for language...

PC Magazine's Award Winning Letter.2007 editors' choice for best webmail

This is an actual letter an Austin, Texas woman sent to manufacturer "Proctor and Gamble" regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . .

Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Of Course They're Scissors

This is an email I received from a friend, who received it from a friend, who....well you get the point.






Monday, June 2, 2008

A Cultural Mosaic: Multiculturalism in the U.S.A.

Once we were a society and country dominated by Judeo-Christian morality and work ethic. Now we have become a pantheistic, pluralistic society that serves many gods and gives many handouts. We are a dysfunctional, yet multicultural society.

Once described as a melting pot, then as a salad, and now as a mosaic or tapestry with many distinct cultures all meshed together, tolerance and respect are the prescription for peace in America today.

Our nation was first documented to be inhabited by Native Americans, then taken over by white Anglo-Saxon protestants (WASPS), when they split from the Church of England and those loyal to the crown. Then the Protestants split off into Dutch Reformed, Lutherans, Catholics, and further immigration brought Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and Muslims. More recently those religions have been joined by Christian Scientists, Scientologists and a multitude of other philosophies. People are making up their own religions on their own, or taking pieces from other religions and meshing them together to create new ones. It's a "whatever makes you happy" outlook on life.

Where is God in an ecumenical, multicultural society? When does tolerance cause us to compromise our Christian beliefs and duty?

I remember stories in the OT of when God would have the Israelites slaughter men, women, children and animals belonging to hostile lands God gave into their possession. What at first sounds harsh, later makes sense when the Israelites disobey God and intermarry with people of other faiths that serve other gods. Bad stuff happens. People that survived war with Israel sought revenge and others turned away from God adopting the religions of foreign lands.

I am a Master of Multicultural Education student. My desire is to see a classroom and curriculum that reflects the cultural backgrounds of all students, but when does equal representation become advocating lifestyles and beliefs that are not my own, that I don't believe should be presented in a positive light?

As an educator it is my job to present all the information and to allow the students to make an informed decision. I am not there to promote my own agenda or to spin so that students see things my way. My duty is to promote tolerance and respect among genders and across cultures. I am a cultural referee and multicultural advocate. I am a safe haven for children from other cultures and non-American backgrounds. I am a cultural bridge-builder across generations and between peoples.

How do I cling to Jesus and continue to be his representative to the world, when my hands are tied in the classroom? What say you?

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Heart to Heart 5K Results

Well...I raced today. It was a learning experience.

I learned I need to start towards the middle of the pack instead of the rear and that when the race course doubles back on itself and I am in danger of being lapped by faster runners that I need to wait until later in the course to make my move to pass people. I think I shot my wad early on and didn't finish as strongly as I could have. Heat was another factor.

I got caught behind slower runners and then had to stay behind them until all the fastest runners were done lapping the slower runners. By the end of the race, I had a spittle ring around the corners of my mouth. I looked like a filly that had been ridden hard and put away wet. :)

Overall, it was an incredibly frustrating experience. I didn't get my hands on a map of the course until a half hour before the race. The course was narrow in several places as well, and there were non-race participants causing congestion on the race course. THAT was incredibly annoying.

The only highlights of the course were the shirt, and the orange slices you got at the end. They also had other stuff, like freezy pops for the kids fun runners and all kinds of other food, but it was crazy and congested for the adults. Now I know... That's about all I should say.