I Heard it Through the Grapevine

Have you ever had one of your children spill a secret to the rest of the world, a secret that you weren't ready to share? I myself, have not, but I'm sure some of my readers have had loose lips sink their ships, or at the very least that let the cat out of the bag a bit earlier than was desired.

*As a younger lad, a little someone I know from work did that to his parents in a public place. He outed his parents to a family member. "Mommy has as baby in her belly!" he whispered. Wow! What a revelation. Bam. There it is. The chips are on the table and the cards are down. Baby number XYZ is on its way! And then you don't say anything to anybody, so that it doesn't get around, but you smile inside, with the knowledge of a piece of someone's secret happiness inside you. That's pretty neat.

*Circumstances have been changed to protect the identity of the actual people in this story.

I Have Discovered that I Do NOT Want to be a Nanny.

After going for my first nannying interview via http://www.nannies4hire.com/ (a very reputable website) I began to ponder the implications of an hour plus round-trip drive four days a week, the gas money required to make said trip, and the duties I would be performing for about four children, and I thought to myself: "Self! If you take this job, you will be giving up your free time in the evenings and Saturdays and you will be spending more money than you will be saving."

Any nannying position I would find would be found in the same vicinity (where people can afford to hire nannies) and the trip and duties just became less attractive the more I thought about it, so sadly, I let the family know of my decision, apologized for any inconvenience it may have caused them, and I withdrew my application from Nannies4hire.com

Next opportunity to explore....tutoring. I wonder what the going rate for a tutor in our area is...if they have a teaching certification and an M.Ed.

Hmmm....I'll have to investigate and let you know. If you think you know...feel free to share.

Hysterosalpingogram

Disclaimer: This is not an image of my parts.  What you are looking at is an xray of radioactive iodine solution being injected into a uterus and fallopian tubes and it's spilling out of the ovaries (indicating no blockage and clear passage).

The Hysterosalpingogram turned out to be less scary than originally anticipated (after my Hysteroscopy). I arrived at 10:20 a.m. (I was supposed to get there by 10:00 for paperwork etc. but I got caught in traffic. Someone was trying to cut a tree down and forgot to tell my GPS to send me another way.). I got to the parking garage, and wound all the way around to almost the top floor to find a spot. I made it into the hospital, and found the information desk which directed me to radiology, where I signed a couple of forms, was shown to a dressing room that has seen better days, had a 3-4 minute wait, and then the radiologist came to get me.

The HSG began like a pap smear again, speculum etc. The radiologist then put this long syringe with a tube attached instead of a needle and they put that up inside, I then scooched back about 3 ft. and he got me centered under the xray machine. Then he injected the dye. I got to watch the dye successfully circulate up into my uterus and out BOTH of my fallopian tubes. This is what I wanted to see happen. No pain, no cramps, and a good result. Back to Abington tomorrow for bloodwork!

Hysteroscopy

I did it. I got my uterus powerwashed. No. Not really. It was really a Hysteroscopy. A Hyster--oooo, what? That's right. I said it. A Hy----ster----o----scopy. It uses a speculum, telescroping camera, sterile saline solution and pain to give the doctor a view of the inside of your uterus.

I'll save you the long laborious story about the drive down, the search for suite 35 and the misfiling of my patient file, not to mention the marathon wait in the waiting room. I'll skip to the part where I accidentally left my fertility folder paperwork and completed patient quesitonnaire in one of the unisex bathrooms at the surgical center. Yeah. Oops.

Good thing I remembered it...after I was already called away from the waiting room vending machine to the pre-op room. I dashed out of pre-op, waited for the restroom to free up (doing a little foot stomping dance of irritation for the person in their to hurry up), and then dashed back in, folder in hand.

Despite the wait, the staff was really great from intake (AnneMarie) to recovery (Sally). The wonderful angels in nurses outfits in the operating room were AMAZING. They all had hairnets that matched mine...with tropical palm trees on them. A nurse named Christa held my hand the whole time. That was her job, to talk to me and reassure me to keep me occupied and distracted as much as possible, to get my mind off the pain happening in my innermost never-neverland.

I'm free bird from the waist down, wrapped in a short robe. They helped me up on the table after introducing me to the group. They covered me in warmed blankies and then I got into position on the table. The nurse showed me the remote control for the operating table. This baby had more bells and whistles than a craftmatic adjustable bed. I ended up on my back, head lower than my body, legs up in calf-to-ankle stirrups, legs belted in, with a drape over my pieces parts. Totally vulnerable and nervous.

I got to watch the procedure on a TV screen. I couldn't watch the whole thing though, because of the pain!!! I had to lie back down and do some controlled breathing to work through the cramping. I had a bloodpressure cuff on my arm and pulse-o-meter on my finger. I could hear my heartbeat accelerate with the pain and stress. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life! I am so thankful for Christa! As soon as that water pressure went away, the cramps began to diminish. I have to admit. There were a few tears on my face by the end.

I got some souvenir photos out of the deal. The doctor did some laproscopy while he was in there. He got rid of a polyup for me. He said he thinks it's benign. When he did the laproscopy and the biopsy it hurt a bit. The worst was the water pressure. The evil powerwasher. My uterus got a little riled up under pressure, but the doc says it's healthy. So there you go.

After all that, I don't even want to think about the HSG. I think it's supposed to be worse. :(

If You Were Me...What Would YOU Do?

If you were me, what would you do? I need to make some money to supplement my income. I'm looking at a few different options and I want to solicit your feedback/opinion on some choices. You may even be so bold to make your own suggestions.

Option #1. I'm considering becoming a Pampered Chef consultant. I like quite a few of their products, but not all of them. I've been wanting to expand my cooking repetoire and this is a great incentive to do so. I'm just worried I won't devote enough time to grow my business or I'll spend too much money on increasing my business instead of banking it. It's definitely a commitment to consider. If you do well, you can grow your own team, develop a good client list, and you can go on trips etc. This job also hones your marketing skills and confidence! Would YOU have a PC party with me as your hostess with the mostess?

Option #2. Tutoring. I have the degree, the challenge will be building a client list. Any ideas?

Option #3. Babysitting/Nannying. I almost have an interview for this Friday after school. I am waiting for a confirmation. It would be steady work.

So I'm curious as to your thoughts on each of these endeavors.

Let the Nail Biting Begin

Well...I went for my second ultrasound today at the fertility clinic. I was wanded by a nice nurse named Gina. At the end of the visit, I picked up a prescription for the Chlomid Challenge Test and one for an antibiotic to go along with my two other diagnostic testing procedures that I just confirmed for this week. They were scheduled for me at an appointed time. No shillyshallying around with appointment times.

I admit I panicked a bit with the prescriptions. Our pharmacy is typically a mail-order deal. I needed to start the Chlomid today. A nice pharmacist at our Walgreens helped me out immensely by talking to my insurance company and they were able to get me the generic Chlomid for $5.00. Thank you Diptka!

Wednesday will be the first test- the Hysteroscopy. They'll use a scope to evaluate the inside of my uterus for polyps, fibroids, and/or scar tissue. I'll be at a surgical center for that one.

Friday I'll have the Hysterosalpingogram or HSG (dye study). This test evaluates your fallopian tubes and the shape of my uterus. That one will be done in a radiology dept.

Saturday morning, I'll be back at Abington again, bright and early for another blood draw.

Early Monday morning will be another ultrasound and another blood draw before work. That will conclude the first round of testing. At that point, they will schedule a sit down with hubby and I to give us their opinion on the best course of treatment.

The antibiotic is to prevent infection from the Hysterosalpingogram and the Hysteroscopy. I'll be vigilant for fever, bad pain, or bleeding. Boo on those things!

I'll let you know how things go!

Diagnostic Fiddledeedee

Well, Wednesday night came and so did the curse. I called the fertility clinic, that was closed due to the storm, but I left them a message with my Day One status. They called me back on Thursday to schedule a blood test for Friday, and an ultrasound and discussion (my word) on Monday. I assume they'll tell me what to do next at that meeting. Let the diagnostic testing begin!

I'm reading through my papers from the clinic and they are supposed to do a baseline transvaginal ultrasound and bloodwork on cycle day 2 or 3 of your menses. They scheduled my bloodwork for Day 2 and my ultrasound for Day 5. I just called and left a message at the nurse's station. Chlomid Challenge Test blood draws will be taken on cycle Days 3 and 10. I am supposed to take two Chlomid tablets (or more likely the generic form of the drug) by mouth on cycle Days 5 through 9 (which will probably not be those exact days either seeing as I'm visiting the doctor's office again on Day 5 and they don't get you the mail-order drugs that fast. I hate poor communication. No one has said, "It doesn't need to be exactly on such and such a day." I wish they would, so I wouldn't feel anxious about doing things on the WRONG DAYS. Argh! (See, I'm turning into a pirate again.)

Did you know that at the clinic (I keep calling it that. It sounds so cheap and back-alley, seedy) you only sign in with your FIRST name and that no one makes eye contact in the waiting room? It's the strangest thing. I keep thinking about what that's supposed to mean. These women are grieving and they're going through this stressful process, hoping that there will be one or more babies at the end of this very long and painful journey. I did notice they have a support group. Perhaps I shall join.

They all have a story to keep to themselves. I almost said, "to tell" but no one in there was talking about it... We're all in there for the same thing people! BABIES! So when I smile at you next time, smile back. I won't bite...I promise! ARGH! Just kidding. I'm not reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally a pirate.

When they called my name, I gave my blood, like a good girl, but I was a bit squeemish about it. It was a good stick. The gal who took my blood noticed that I didn't watch the needle go in and that my cheeks had some color. I said to her, "I suppose I should get used to this, right?" She smiled in agreement. It's a good thing I have good veins.

So....Monday. I will go back for my baseline trans-va-jay-jay ultrasound wanding. I've had them before, but there's always something a little nerve wracking about getting prodded with a large, member-sized wand in a delicate area, by a man that is not my husband. No joke. Well, joking aside, it is professionally done, with a nurse in the room etc. I'll just be glad when it's over.

One day, I hope to hold my baby to my breast and know that all the tears, the needle sticks, the hormone surges and the pain was all worth it. Do you hear that child-to-be?! I love you already.

Enjoying the Gift

I was listening to The Eurhythmics, dancing around in my bright yellow rubber gloves, sponge in hand, and cleaning my bathroom sink when I suddenly started thinking about how I'm in my 30's and still enjoying many of the the freedoms of my 20's.

Sure, I now have indigestion if I eat anything after 8:00 PM, and I no longer possess the ability to stay up late and not reap the consequences, but I can still pretty much go do whatever I want, whenever I want, within the boundaries of work and budget.

The problem is, I don't appreciate this gift like I should. I'm still yearning for the family that I might never have, and I'm green with envy when I look at our friends and family and their growing families. I become possessed by tearful, hand-wringing bouts of self-pity and sadness. Must....snap...out of it!!!

For the next couple of days, I'm trying not to let that flame of hope burn too brightly because every month I start to think, "THIS could be the month!" and I am ALWAYS disappointed, again, and again, and....again.
In the middle of this storm, God continues to minister to my soul through music. Nothing touches my heart and sends my spirit soaring like worship.

Thank you God for sending me songs that minister to my hurts, time and time again, just when I need them. Thank  you for a brief glimpse from the mountaintop...so often I look up from the valley. I praise you God for snowstorms that keep me inside, and that help me to reflect on the deeper things of life. I thank you for Christian radio (The Word FM), and for phone calls with my Mom.

This weekend we are having our extended family portrait taken (on my husband's side of our family). I choose to be thankful that I have such a lovely family to be a part of. I will concentrate on how much I love them, trying to forget that I have put all my weight back on, that my clothes are old, that my roots are four inches long, and that again, I will be captured in my perpetual, childless state. I will paste a smile on my face, dab on some make-up and go on and hopefully, I'll have a change of attitude to accompany one in perspective.

I will find my happy place. I have a home, food, use of all my limbs, my health, an education, and people that love me. I am rich indeed, childless, but rich, well...relatively speaking. It's all about perspective. Now THAT'S a gift!