To Be or Not to Be

Reflecting on the miles that have passed beneath my feet, this infertile journeywoman cannot help but ponder some of the momentous lessons she has learned from her chief affliction. Call it a refinement process, call it Monday Morning Quarterbacking, call it maturity, but whatever you call it, count it as worthwhile, despite the shadowlands.

I thank God today for my infertility. Without it, I would not have learned the importance of relying on God for my identity. Who I am in Christ is paramount. It has to be. As a woman, a large part of who I am and what I think of myself is tied to my ability to have/raise children. Some may not share the same struggle, but it's mine. As a barren woman I have been crushed on multiple occasions at my inability to participate in motherhood: Mother's Day, barbeques, chatting in groups of women, unwitting questions from random individuals, and seeing virtually everyone we know (including family and younger friends more recently married than ourselves/even unmarried ones) pop out multiple kids and despairing that it may never happen for us.

Through this bane of infertility, I have had little things to really be thankful for and that I have learned along the way. Our expenses were mediated by our incredible insurance coverage, but not elminated. My faith is strengthened when I came to the end of myself and nothing but a miracle could have provided the extra Gonal F medication needed to complete my stimulation cycle.

There are also moments of personal growth, when I have learned to stand up for myself with the leadership of my husband. When signing paperwork, championing your morals can change the outcome of a situation. If there isn't a work around, make one and politely find a compromise, otherwise, you can take your business elsewhere.

I've learned patience. After YEARS of waiting each month for pregnancies that have never come, and countless boughts of disappointment and tearfilled nights, I continue this lesson. With my aggressive treatment (375 i.u. per shot of Gonal F) and the slow maturation of my follicles, I see by ultrasound that I cannot control how my body will respond to hormone stimulation, natural or otherwise. Only God knows how many, if any will show up on the ultrasound tomorrow. A minimum of 3 mature follicles are generally sought to even attempt an egg retrieval. Mine have responded slowly on the maximum dose of FSH. A website I was perusing last night said they should be between 14 and 20 mm for retrieval. At last check my lead follicle was only 12 mm. That was Saturday. Today is Monday. Tomorrow is my last TVU and bloodwork. It's GO TIME. Make or break. Tomorrow I will know my "fate," to be or not to be.