What if I get to Thursday and I am not pregnant? I will decidedly be crushed. Why Thursday? Why so early after the transfer? Why are they testing me on Thursday? Why not wait two weeks? For their data? Do I even have a shot at a positive result?
I just found out a close family friend is pregnant. God, this is your timing and I rejoice for her, but what if I am not pregnant again? What if you say "No" again? I don't know if I have the grace for that. I can't smile anymore. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, or that it's somehow OK. I am pissed. I am so sad. I have this deep seeded dread that God will take my joy away from me, if not before the pregnancy test, then afterwards. He could even wait until after my baby is grown up. What do you have to do in the eyes of God to deserve to be pregnant?
Hey, Rige, I have no clue what you are going through but I do thank you for your honesty and openness. Thanks for letting us know how we can pray for you.
ReplyDeleteLove Jen
Hey, Rigel. I felt this deep need to respond. I may even respond in my own blog... if I can without somehow inflicting hurt on you. Let me just say this--- you hit a deep nerve when I read your honest thoughts today because that is the fear I carry with me forever--- "what if He takes this away?" "I don't deserve these miracles..." I think that we cannot EVER 'deserve' it. So I don't think we'll EVER understand why some women who do not want children have them, and others must ache, and others have children who are taken from them. I love your honesty. I pray for your peace and for "YES".
ReplyDeleteI'm with you Mich, we don't "deserve" anything, including God's grace. Too bad we're born with a sense of fairness too. That's the rub.
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