Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Chillin' Out and Looking for Work

I'm watching my cat Hobbes have fun spazzing around the living room and up and down the stairs with a little wad of a paper ball. The Olympic Women's indoor volleyball match between the USA and Italy is on the tele. I'm drinking my morning coffee and blogging...and I'm still in my PJ's. It's 11:15 a.m. on TUESDAY.

Ugh. I just got off the phone with my mom. I think she feels isolated from my dad and sister who are now both thin, and she has extra weight she is carrying and she probably feels looked down upon by them. It makes me angry and sick. She calls me now, and I know she wants to commiserate with me over being the heavy people in the family. But I don't want to hear it, because now a line has been drawn. Cari and dad are the thin people and she and I are the fat ones. She and I have the same legs and butt. Now it's a competition and I'm angry. I'm angry because now I don't even want to talk to my family because my perception of their perception of me has changed. Now I'm the fat, jobless sister, to be pitied and looked down upon.

As we were exercising yesterday, I told my friend Dor that I want to focus on myself for awhile. I want to focus on getting a job, and on losing 25 lbs. Forget trying to get pregnant, I just want to focus on getting a job and getting healthy. I've let myself go and it's time to get myself back.

I should call my mom back. She needs to know I'm not really mad at her. In fact I love her and want her to know that I love her very much. I don't like Dad and Cari being proud of their thinness and looking down on my mom when she's struggling so much, and I don't like mom trying to cling to me like I'm some flotilla of commiserating fatness. I want us both to lose weight.

I am now without excuse. I have oodles of time to exercise and to spend on working out my diet. I don't know how long this period of down time will last, but perhaps all I need is a jump start and time to get things figured out...to make a plan.

3 comments:

  1. I am not the booger that will not leave your finger which I believe are called snappers. You are not my life line to mental health or any other health for that matter. Get going on yourself and end the whine lines. Its called working out your salvation and its your time. MOM

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  2. Riggels,
    Never dissed mom, never would. Us former fatties remember what it's like and we know everyday we are one doughnut away from returning to hell. You lose the weight and get in shape for yourself...you are the only person who will know the sacrifice it takes to get there and the hard work it takes to maintain it;)

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