Hang up the phone gentlemen! This one's for the ladies and it's all about "menstrosity." That's a word I made up to assemble into one conjunction the concepts of "menstruation" and "monstrosity."
Here I thought I was having a light-by-comparison visit from my Aunt Flow, relishing the fact that this must be my "nice ovary period" and then that bloody bitch had to go and play a game of peek-a-boo.
Just when I thought it was safe to downgrade to Regular grade tampons, the flood returned. Shrewdly, disaster was averted with the use of my EWD System. That's my Early Wetness Detection System. I narrowly avoided the bloody deluge, and ruining a pair of good work pants for that matter, by narrowly extricating myself from a conversation with a verbose township patron.
Thank goodness I'm always prepared with the proper necessities and accoutrements to handle such silly shennanigans on the part of "The Curse." You never known when she'll jam you up and ruin a perfectly good pants suit.
It just goes to show, you can never trust your flow to be anything but faithfully awful and oftentimes unpredictably presumptuous. Your period doesn't care if you're at work or running errands. You could be trying to squeeze in one last romantic moment with your husband, and WAM! Like a relative, come a-visiting...
"Ding Dong! It's your Aunt Flow! I know I'm a day early dear but you see I had the opportunity to catch an early flight, and so...HERE I AM! My usual room dear?"
"Yes thank you."
"Your uterus? That room with the lovely view?"
"That's right. Come on in Aunt Flow! Good to see you? How've you been?"
"Wonderful dear. I hope I'm not interrupting anything important?"
"No. Not at all (grinding teeth). Right this way. Let me show you to your room."
And like any good hostess, you're always always ready for unexpected company.
Semper Paratus ladies. Always Prepared. Always Prepared.
If your flow is fickle, like mine she may choose to play a game of peek-a-boo with you. That's why you always keep your dynamite at the ready. And when I say "dynamite," I mean tampons, oh, and a goodly supply of backup shielding in the form of those winged knights I call "Always pads with wings." Two varieties, regular and overnight when your company is overly demanding.
Why can't you keep stories like this to yourself you say? Hardly. It's too much fun to write about, and you always have the choice of not reading this post.
Just remember ladies, when the curse comes a-calling, have your arsenal at the ready, so you're prepared for that fickle menstrosity and her occasional game of peek-a-boo.
Our adventurous life after successful infertility treatment...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Lost in TV Land
I'm spending a Sunday evening baking my brain in front of the TV and relaxing on the couch. Goodtimes. I love the holidays. Tomorrow, I go back to work for three days and then I can enjoy another 4-day weekend. The only "bad" thing about tomorrow is that I have to weigh in at the gym. I went off the diet over this last week. I don't think I gained anything, but I didn't lose. If I'm lucky, I just maintained my weight loss. I may have gained a couple of pounds because Aunt Flow is here for a visit. That would suck, but it's not the end of the world. I've eaten too many carbs. I love carbs.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Recovery
It's been a quiet morning in Telford, PA. At least, it has been in the Schoonover household. Jeff and I are enjoying a morning to ourselves. Even the cats are amusing themselves, lingering nearby...watching us with their great golden and green eyes.
Jeff has left a pot of soup to simmer on the stove. I'm catching up on email and hearing news from the rest of our family and friends in the aftermath of another Christmas come and gone.
I was just accosted by a whirlwind of news that manifested itself over the Internet, in person and over the telephone. My Aunt Judy, recovering from a brain aneurysm had a fall and banged her head and is back in the hospital. A friend's grandmother passed away at 93. Another friend was delivered of her baby in the wee hours of the morning. My nephew is celebrating his first birthday this weekend and all is calm and bright. We're not getting company this weekend. Instead we're getting double the company next weekend. It promises to be a bustling holiday season.
On the bright side of that moon...I get another week to recover from my cold before being hostess to the next wave of familial guests. It will be good to see them and to not have to sneeze on them. I'm sure that sentiment is mutual.
Jeff has left a pot of soup to simmer on the stove. I'm catching up on email and hearing news from the rest of our family and friends in the aftermath of another Christmas come and gone.
I was just accosted by a whirlwind of news that manifested itself over the Internet, in person and over the telephone. My Aunt Judy, recovering from a brain aneurysm had a fall and banged her head and is back in the hospital. A friend's grandmother passed away at 93. Another friend was delivered of her baby in the wee hours of the morning. My nephew is celebrating his first birthday this weekend and all is calm and bright. We're not getting company this weekend. Instead we're getting double the company next weekend. It promises to be a bustling holiday season.
On the bright side of that moon...I get another week to recover from my cold before being hostess to the next wave of familial guests. It will be good to see them and to not have to sneeze on them. I'm sure that sentiment is mutual.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Celebrating Christmas
This year, Jeff and I simplified...no tree, no Christmas cards, just gifts, our annual family progressive dinner and some Christmas cookies. I just didn't make time to get to it all this year, and I'm only a little bit sorry, not much, just a little bit.
The Christmas Cantata at church was uneventful this year. No one in the choir fainted and fell off the risers, and almost everyone smiled. I don't think anyone fell asleep during the message and pastor preached a good sermon. I can't tell you what it was about, but I know it was good. It almost certainly had something to do with salvation, because it was one of two times a year he gets to preach directly to the twice-a-year-attending Chreasters, those who attend at Christmas and at Easter.
The poinsettia plants that honor the living and remember the dead decorated the entire front of the sanctuary. The candelabras glowed with holy candle light as we celebrated the birth of our Savior, the baby Jesus, born of a virgin and laid in a feed box, on that holiest of days in December.
We will officially celebrate on the 25th day of the month, commemorating the occasion when Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, the firstborn son of Mary, the mother of God. His birth was foretold by the prophet Isaiah. The Messiah was born so he could die to take away the sins of the world and so believers can live in eternity with God.
Over a thousand years ago, shepherds and wisemen came to worship the Christ child. On Thursday the 25th of December, we will celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and remember this occasion as the time when God became a man and the Word was made flesh.
My favorite Christmas hymn is "Lo, How a Rose Er Blooming." An oldie but a goodie. I've published the words of this hymn for you below. I wish you a Merry Christmas with your families. May you days be merry and bright, even if your Christmas isn't white.
Lo How a Rose Er Blooming
Lo, how a Rose e’er blooming from tender stem hath sprung!
Of Jesse’s lineage coming, as men of old have sung.
It came, a floweret bright, amid the cold of winter,
When half spent was the night.
Isaiah ’twas foretold it, the Rose I have in mind;
With Mary we behold it, the virgin mother kind.
To show God’s love aright, she bore to men a Savior,
When half spent was the night.
The shepherds heard the story proclaimed by angels bright,
How Christ, the Lord of glory was born on earth this night.
To Bethlehem they sped and in the manger found Him,
As angel heralds said.
This Flower, whose fragrance tender with sweetness fills the air,
Dispels with glorious splendor the darkness everywhere;
True Man, yet very God, from sin and death He saves us,
And lightens every load.
O Savior, Child of Mary, who felt our human woe,
O Savior, King of glory, who dost our weakness know;
Bring us at length we pray, to the bright courts of Heaven,
And to the endless day!
The Christmas Cantata at church was uneventful this year. No one in the choir fainted and fell off the risers, and almost everyone smiled. I don't think anyone fell asleep during the message and pastor preached a good sermon. I can't tell you what it was about, but I know it was good. It almost certainly had something to do with salvation, because it was one of two times a year he gets to preach directly to the twice-a-year-attending Chreasters, those who attend at Christmas and at Easter.
The poinsettia plants that honor the living and remember the dead decorated the entire front of the sanctuary. The candelabras glowed with holy candle light as we celebrated the birth of our Savior, the baby Jesus, born of a virgin and laid in a feed box, on that holiest of days in December.
We will officially celebrate on the 25th day of the month, commemorating the occasion when Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, the firstborn son of Mary, the mother of God. His birth was foretold by the prophet Isaiah. The Messiah was born so he could die to take away the sins of the world and so believers can live in eternity with God.
Over a thousand years ago, shepherds and wisemen came to worship the Christ child. On Thursday the 25th of December, we will celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and remember this occasion as the time when God became a man and the Word was made flesh.
My favorite Christmas hymn is "Lo, How a Rose Er Blooming." An oldie but a goodie. I've published the words of this hymn for you below. I wish you a Merry Christmas with your families. May you days be merry and bright, even if your Christmas isn't white.
Lo How a Rose Er Blooming
Lo, how a Rose e’er blooming from tender stem hath sprung!
Of Jesse’s lineage coming, as men of old have sung.
It came, a floweret bright, amid the cold of winter,
When half spent was the night.
Isaiah ’twas foretold it, the Rose I have in mind;
With Mary we behold it, the virgin mother kind.
To show God’s love aright, she bore to men a Savior,
When half spent was the night.
The shepherds heard the story proclaimed by angels bright,
How Christ, the Lord of glory was born on earth this night.
To Bethlehem they sped and in the manger found Him,
As angel heralds said.
This Flower, whose fragrance tender with sweetness fills the air,
Dispels with glorious splendor the darkness everywhere;
True Man, yet very God, from sin and death He saves us,
And lightens every load.
O Savior, Child of Mary, who felt our human woe,
O Savior, King of glory, who dost our weakness know;
Bring us at length we pray, to the bright courts of Heaven,
And to the endless day!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
When it Hits the Fan
Forwarded to me by my friend Jynell... Author Unknown
Are you a carrot, an egg, or a cup of coffee?
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, 'Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Ask Yourself:
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Author Unknown
Are you a carrot, an egg, or a cup of coffee?
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, 'Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Ask Yourself:
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Author Unknown
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