Sure, I now have indigestion if I eat anything after 8:00 PM, and I no longer possess the ability to stay up late and not reap the consequences, but I can still pretty much go do whatever I want, whenever I want, within the boundaries of work and budget.
The problem is, I don't appreciate this gift like I should. I'm still yearning for the family that I might never have, and I'm green with envy when I look at our friends and family and their growing families. I become possessed by tearful, hand-wringing bouts of self-pity and sadness. Must....snap...out of it!!!
For the next couple of days, I'm trying not to let that flame of hope burn too brightly because every month I start to think, "THIS could be the month!" and I am ALWAYS disappointed, again, and again, and....again.
In the middle of this storm, God continues to minister to my soul through music. Nothing touches my heart and sends my spirit soaring like worship.
Thank you God for sending me songs that minister to my hurts, time and time again, just when I need them. Thank you for a brief glimpse from the mountaintop...so often I look up from the valley. I praise you God for snowstorms that keep me inside, and that help me to reflect on the deeper things of life. I thank you for Christian radio (The Word FM), and for phone calls with my Mom.
This weekend we are having our extended family portrait taken (on my husband's side of our family). I choose to be thankful that I have such a lovely family to be a part of. I will concentrate on how much I love them, trying to forget that I have put all my weight back on, that my clothes are old, that my roots are four inches long, and that again, I will be captured in my perpetual, childless state. I will paste a smile on my face, dab on some make-up and go on and hopefully, I'll have a change of attitude to accompany one in perspective.
I will find my happy place. I have a home, food, use of all my limbs, my health, an education, and people that love me. I am rich indeed, childless, but rich, well...relatively speaking. It's all about perspective. Now THAT'S a gift!
I will be praying for you! Contentment is a jewel earned through the daily sacrifice of "my will for His." There have been times when I have walked in deep discontent. I learned that my greatest sorrow came from realizing I had to give up "my" dream, trusting that what He had for me was better.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started to come to terms with God's sovereignty and the fact that He orchestrates my steps for my good and His glory (and yes, indeed, He IS a God to be trusted; and yes, indeed He does love me), then I could relax in whatever He had planned. When I let go of "my" dream, and exchanged it for "His," whatever that may be, I was able to relax in that. Even if it meant my life would look differently than I had planned - at least "for now."
Does that make sense?
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement. The Lord is definitely sovreign. Amen! It is in the "dream exchange" that we find peace.
Love you my friend...thanks for your honesty and I know I always need the reminder to appreciate the things that God has given us.
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