Poop Grenade

It happened a couple of months ago.

15 minutes. That's how much longer I wanted to luxuriate in bed before I haul myself up to address the banging and shrieks of glee coming from my girls' shared room during naptime. Steeling myself for whatever I would find when I got in there, because I know there will be a mess, I whisper a prayer, "Please Jesus! Help me to be calm and in control when I see what's in that room."

I slowly walk down the hall and I know they hear my footsteps because I hear Rory say, "Uh oh!" Something MUST be wrong.

I stand in the open doorway, mouth ajar, gazing on both of my daughters who are stripped to their birthday suits like naked natives (wait, Rory still has a shirt on). Their bed covers are scattered in piles around the room, their diapers are off and in a corner and there are suspicious piles of liquid pooling on the hardwood floor. But what drew my fearful ire was the site of not one, but TWO toddler turds on the floor in different locations. I shrieked and stepped into the room like it was mined. "Shannon!" I said in a deliberately tense whisper, "Hand...Mommy...the diapers!"  She picked up both turds, in her chubby little hands and dropped them in the diapers. I grimaced and then sighed with relief as if she had put the pins back in both grenades and surrendered.

I had to triage the situation. Clean the kids up in the shower with an initial dee-pooping rinse followed by a double scrub and rinse, followed by a moisturizer, check. Redress children and put them in their highchairs watching kid-friendly YouTube videos, check. Head back to the scene of the crime. Strip everything that can be washed (deciding what was needed for bedtime) and took it downstairs to be laundered. Then I attacked the mess with my paper towels, Little Green Cleaning Machine, and my Windex and cleaned up their room. Lastly, I remade the beds and came down to cook dinner.

I feel like I earned another mommy merit badge that day. I pinned it right next to my Stomach Bug Survivor Badge.

Two Down, One with Croup

Mothers everywhere, scientifically prove everyday that people do not need sleep to survive...as long as we have a steady supply of caffeine. I try and stay away from Ritalin.

Perhaps, we shouldn't operate heavy machinery, you know, cars and the like, but we can keep our offspring alive, and do our jobs, on a daily basis, with little or no shut-eye. I haven't done any crazy, sleep-deprived things to date, but I've come close and I know some of you have...feel free to share. Cereal in the fridge and milk in the cupboard? Ever pour OJ on your cereal? They're always funny!

I am revisiting my days as a new mom...those with little to no sleep.  My girls got bad colds this month and poor Shannie has croup. Oh the awfulness of not being able to make my baby well! The middle of the night (throughout the night) coughing fits, tears, and the red cheeks...poor, sick kiddo. It's scary, choking on phlegm and not being able to breathe. Shannie O'Shannahan is on Prednisolone (spelling) to reduce the inflammation in her chest so she stops barking when she coughs. I alternate between sitting in the bathroom on the toilet with her on my lap wrapped in a blanket while the steamy shower loosens the phlegm in her chest and then taking her outside, bundled up in a blanket so she can breathe the cold air. Both are treatments for the crazy coughing fits.

And even though this has been going on for over a week, I foolishly stay up too late, often for the sake of being alone and not in charge of anyone but myself. Unfortunately, the next day, I don't have enough energy to be nice to my sick kids. I become a T-Rex momma over the tiniest transgressions. If only I would follow that good advice and go to bed early. But I LOVE my alone time.

-T-Rex

Why Mommy Groups Can Be Like Texas Holdem

This morning while I was brushing my teeth...well, honestly, I don't remember if this thought occurrerd to me WHILE I was brushing my teeth...it might have been some other time this morning, but today, the thought occurred to me, that sometimes, when we moms (Is it "us moms" or "we moms"?) share stories, not only do we like to entertain eachother, sometimes we like to "one-up" eachother.

Disclaimer: This is not necessarily a description of any mommy group that I, myself, belong to...so you can relax ladies. It's an imaginary group.

It's almost like a game of poker, specifically Texas Holdem'. "Blinds" are forced actions by the two people left of the dealer (the person keeping the conversation or game going by dealing the cards). The small blind is half the big blind. The big blind is the minimum bet. By putting in blinds, this makes sure money is always placed in the pot. Once the blinds are met, people start checking, betting, folding, calling or raising and eventually someone takes the pot.

Normally, a "check" means you're still in the hand but you're choosing not to bet. A "fold" means you are facing a bet, but you choose not to participate or call, so you throw away your cards. A "call" is a bet that matches an opponent's bet. A "bet" means you want to put some money into the pot. A "raise" means you are facing a bet, but want to put even more money into the pot. I imagine a mommy group conversation something like this:

Dealer: Kids can be crazy, right?

The small blind: This morning my kids drew all over the bathroom walls with my lipstick.

The big blind: That's nothing. My kids took permanent marker to my floor tile, the couch and the livingroom walls, the night I was supposed to host a dinner party with my husband's boss and his wife. (an action twice as bad as the first)

My kids have done that too. (check)

So have mine. They're crazy! (check)

Dealer: It's not always pets that make the messes, right Karen?

That's right! I don't have any kids, but my dog once ate a roast I had just cooked when I had my in-laws over for dinner. Took the whole thing off the counter and ate it while I was busy answering the door. He later threw it up in my slippers. (bet)

Oooo! I don't have any pets. That sounds awful! (fold)

My Great Dane, shook and killed the neighbor's prize-winning cat!!! (raise)

How is that even possible? Does your neighbor even OWN a cat? Don't they have bad allergies? (call)

Dealer: Awkward.

I know this isn't a complete game, but it gives you a window into how my mind works. I don't play the game regularly, and all information for this article came from THIS Youtube tutorial. It's a good one.

Wednesday Monday

 

I've decided that today, Wednesday, is our Monday. First, a disclaimer: This is not a roll of complaints, it is a monologue, designed to make you smile, cringe and laugh...with sympathy.

 

It's the first day that Daddy is back to work after the New Year made it's debut and we're back into our "normal routine" together, just us girls. Shannon and Rory both have colds. I think this is number 37 in a row, (not really, but I just wanted to speak to my tired frame of mind). Our baseboard heating, coated in dust and cat hair, and low humidity, plus my OWN cold has made it a rough night's sleep. My hair is mussed, my flannel pajamas askew, my lips are dry and scaly and caked with a mix of saliva and mucus and there is a delightful film on my teeth. I wake up at quarter to 7 with shrieks of "Mommy! Mommy!" Not good.

I stumble down the hall, groggy and partially asleep and walk into a gloomy room, the smell of urine hits my draining nostrils.  There are TWO urine-soaked toddlers and two beds to change, ahhhh twins. The top of Rory's diaper has split open and the pee-soaked plastic jelly inside has opened into her footy pajamas, down into her right leg. Both girls have peed clear through their jammies. The bathtub it is!

In my haste to strip the toddlers and run the bath, I go to hastily blow my nose into a tissue. I miss the tissue and fill the palm of my left hand with green mucus. Grossness factor of about 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. Fast forward to after breakfast. Following a bath and getting dressed, we go downstairs for a breakfast of yogurt and Nutella bread. An announcement is made. "Poo-poo!" Not unusual. I take my time to clean them both up after eating. No additional complaints of poop, no offensive smells, so we skip to playing. I think, "Maybe it was just gas."

I'm running the timer on the microwave as they learn to share a second-hand stroller and I pick Rory up to check her pants and change her. Her pants are soaked in liquid poo, and now, so is my left arm. Eau de poo...No visible traces just a nice stench.

All this to say, it was followed by two more doodies, albeit in small successive volumes. Shannon announced she had to go too, but on the potty, and succeeded in a wet fart, as she sat on the toilet with the phone, talking to her grandparents, who were cheering her on.

There is more to tell. I could go on telling you about my role as referee and housemaid. But I will leave you with this parting thought: the cat is kneeding my belly fat as I type (he only comes out when the kids are down for naps or in bed). I'm going to go drink some water because I'm getting a caffeine-induced headache. A cup of coffee, a cup of black tea, and a Diet Mountain Dew drunk in one morning will do that to you.

God's Grace

God protected our lives today. We were following some friends on 476 South and swerved to avoid a desk or other piece of furniture that was broken across two lanes of fast-moving traffic.

Jeff did his best to keep control of the car and avoided flipping it. We ended up on the shoulder of the rode facing oncoming traffic.

No damage to the car or the people. Two cars stopped to check on us. We're all alive and thankful to God for his goodness to us!!!!

We made it to Longwood Gardens and a friend took this pic for us with her IPhone. We are ALIVE and well. We are thankful for our lives and that we are still here to celebrate with friends and family. I shudder to think about all the things that COULD have happened during those few scary seconds. We are blessed by God's protection in our lives.