Last night I had another moment of weakness and really gave my husband a good a** chewing. I could trivialize it and chalk it up to monthly hormones (which I CAN attribute a goodly part of it to), but I won't because I want to take responsibility for the words that came out of my mouth, that ground him a new cake hole.
Out of gratefulness that he's still mine, I changed my profile picture on my MySpace page to one of the two of us. We are imperfect, he and I. We both cause eachother pain, and we struggle to communicate and our conflict resolution skills leave something to be desired. But we stick it out, and I think I may even be able to convince him to go to counseling, though he's not that type by nature.We have not arrived. We don't have it all figured out and we cause eachother unhappiness, but you know what? He's not meant to be the source of my happiness, God is. Jeff and I are both imperfect beings, and as such, could never be the source of perfect happiness for one another nor are we meant to be.
Does this mean that we are exempt from caring for one another and doing our best to love, honor and cherish one another, as we promised to in our wedding vows before God and man, hell no! Jeff and I are honor bound to fulfill those vows and to hold one another accountable, and to correct one another in love. We are also to respond in humility and to forgive one another.
Jeff pointed something out to me last night in the heat of our marital battle. He said that he didn't know if I could forgive, that he didn't know if I was capable of it, because I say I forgive him, and then I bring it up later to remind him of it.I told him humans don't forget like God. He said that we aren't supposed to hold something against someone and bring it up again, because if we do we haven't totally forgiven, and you know what, he's right. And I didn't like it. I pointed out that he must not truly have forgiven me for things then because he brings up things to me. I didn't want him to know I thought he was right or that I agreed with him. I didn't even want to CONSIDER the implications of his words, because I wanted to be ready with my next barb for him, my next attack, my next mortar of evil intent. I wanted him to feel how much he annoyed me right then, how many things he did that offended me or made me angry with him.
And there it was. I haven't truly forgiven him for things he has done against me. I was so intent on harping on him for not asking for my forgiveness the right way when he had hurt me (you know, like a REAL apology stating what he did wrong and then asking me to forgive him) that I realized I don't really forgive. Jesus says that unless I truly forgive others, my heavenly father won't forgive me.So today at lunch, I'm going to apologize to Jeff and ask him to forgive me (regardless of whether or not he does the same) and I'm going to ask him to make a plan with me to work on our communication skills and go for counseling because I don't want to live another 7 years without making changes. Our marriage could be so much better than it is, if we would just stop focusing on the other persons imperfections and start working on being a better spouse and lover for the benefit of our spouse and of our marriage together.
Our adventurous life after successful infertility treatment...
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
To Be a Good Liberal...
What follows is an email that was forwarded to me from a very funny, very conservative relative.
To be a good liberal...
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by documented cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do care.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make 'The Passion of the Christ' for financial gain only.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is a very nice, normal person.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say 'Merry Christmas.'
To be a good liberal...
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by documented cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do care.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make 'The Passion of the Christ' for financial gain only.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is a very nice, normal person.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say 'Merry Christmas.'
Monday, June 9, 2008
Surgery
Well, I made it through surgery...I'm tired, but I'm OK. The doc couldn't find any polyps when she gutted me, but she says they could be hiding in all the stuff she sent to the lab to be analyzed. (Not her words of course). It's weird, because there were two on the ultrasound before the surgery.
Anyway, thanks for your prayers. Please continue to pray for healing. I'll write more when I'm feeling up to it.
-Rigel
Anyway, thanks for your prayers. Please continue to pray for healing. I'll write more when I'm feeling up to it.
-Rigel
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Hostile Womb
I'm having surgery on Monday to eliminate some endometriosis issues and some pesky polyps. Within the span of a month, I found out my uterus was tilted (retro-tilted to be exact) and that 30% of women experience this tilt and that it supposedly does NOT prevent pregnancy, that I had a thickened lining in my uterus, a cyst on my right ovary, and two polyps in my uterus (a result of a thickened lining).
The recommended treatment is a routine procedure called a Dialation and Cureletage or D and C. It's out-patient, but you can't drive yourself home because they knock you out for the surgery. They dialate your cervix (after knocking you out) then they stick a camera and a special knife into your womb and the surgeon shaves it and sucks out the junk that's clogging your business.
Bad News: Post-procedure you can expect bleeding and some cramping.
Good News: It increases your chances of being able to conceive
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Great news for people struggling to make babies!
My gyno, cautioned me not to put anything in my vajayjay for two weeks after the procedure. That includes tampons and more importantly, no sex! So we'll have to wait to do the deed. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to continue taking prenatal vitamins etc.
I'm trying to remain unexcited and hopeless so that I do not allow myself to be disappointed again if this doesn't work out.
But it's no wonder I haven't been preggers yet, what with Jeff's sperm having to run the gauntlet up hamburger hill to reach my eggs. Picture that if you will....
Here's to fertility in the barren land of "Hostile Womb."
The recommended treatment is a routine procedure called a Dialation and Cureletage or D and C. It's out-patient, but you can't drive yourself home because they knock you out for the surgery. They dialate your cervix (after knocking you out) then they stick a camera and a special knife into your womb and the surgeon shaves it and sucks out the junk that's clogging your business.
Bad News: Post-procedure you can expect bleeding and some cramping.
Good News: It increases your chances of being able to conceive
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Great news for people struggling to make babies!
My gyno, cautioned me not to put anything in my vajayjay for two weeks after the procedure. That includes tampons and more importantly, no sex! So we'll have to wait to do the deed. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to continue taking prenatal vitamins etc.
I'm trying to remain unexcited and hopeless so that I do not allow myself to be disappointed again if this doesn't work out.
But it's no wonder I haven't been preggers yet, what with Jeff's sperm having to run the gauntlet up hamburger hill to reach my eggs. Picture that if you will....
Here's to fertility in the barren land of "Hostile Womb."
The Eye of Sauron
An odd title for a post, to be sure, but as I was staring out my office window this morning after my first cup of coffee, I started thinking about my upcoming surgery on Monday and about how I take things and people for granted sometimes. So what does that have to do with Tolkien's chief antagonist in his book The Lord of the Rings? Well, I'll tell you.
At the end of the third book in Tolkien's trilogy, the evil eye of Sauron is scanning all around, looking for the good guys who are seeking to destroy the Ring of Power, his ring, the one he has been searching to find for years and years to reclaim. It is the thing he wants most in life, the thing that will return him to ultimate power.
Sauron is so intent on looking for the ring where he thinks it will be found that he misses what's right in front of him, two bedraggled hobbits, sneaking under his piercing gaze to destroy his precious ring.
I don't normally compare myself to an evil antagonist in a fantasy novel, but in this case I'll make an exception. Sometimes, I'm scanning all around, seeking for that which I desire most: to prevent, to find, to know, whatever, ...and it's either right in front of me and I was too blind to notice or I've underestimated somebody, or I've simply taken them for granted and they are right there in front of me. I've just been too busy or too tired to notice it/them.
This morning, my husband, stumbling around in his morning fog getting dressed for work, sat down hard on my feet and ankles as I was lying in bed, just waking up. I cried out in pain and annoyance. Couldn't he plainly see my feet sticking outside the covers, not to mention the shape of my body curved around to his side of the bed? Was he that oblivious to anyone but himself? All these thoughts occurred to me in a flash before he grunted and apologized, but it was one of those apologies that said, "It's your fault, not mine really." He immediately made an excuse, "I thought it'd be safe here on my side of the bed."
"Didn't you SEE my FEET?" I cried in agony. (Well, less agony, more annoyance). He sighed and shrugged...and promptly left the room. No goodbyes...he just left for work.
The point is...when we're wrapped up in our own little problems, sometimes we fail to see those of the people around us and their needs.
On the drive in to work today as I sat nursing my hot coffee, waiting for the light to change, I tried to be as observant as I could, letting details that usually escape me, stand out in great detail. Things I usually took for granted captured my attention, and held it sharply, even for a few moments before they sailed by on the journey to the office.
I want to see the people around me and notice them. I want to remember what the sky looks like this afternoon, or how good the coffee smells when it's brewing. I want to remember the smile on my husbands face when I hold his hand and tell him I love him, even if he did crush my feet and run off with a half-hearted apology, without saying goodbye, because I know, I'm just as guilty of ignoring his needs and because I don't want to forget what it's like to really live.
At the end of the third book in Tolkien's trilogy, the evil eye of Sauron is scanning all around, looking for the good guys who are seeking to destroy the Ring of Power, his ring, the one he has been searching to find for years and years to reclaim. It is the thing he wants most in life, the thing that will return him to ultimate power.
Sauron is so intent on looking for the ring where he thinks it will be found that he misses what's right in front of him, two bedraggled hobbits, sneaking under his piercing gaze to destroy his precious ring.
I don't normally compare myself to an evil antagonist in a fantasy novel, but in this case I'll make an exception. Sometimes, I'm scanning all around, seeking for that which I desire most: to prevent, to find, to know, whatever, ...and it's either right in front of me and I was too blind to notice or I've underestimated somebody, or I've simply taken them for granted and they are right there in front of me. I've just been too busy or too tired to notice it/them.
This morning, my husband, stumbling around in his morning fog getting dressed for work, sat down hard on my feet and ankles as I was lying in bed, just waking up. I cried out in pain and annoyance. Couldn't he plainly see my feet sticking outside the covers, not to mention the shape of my body curved around to his side of the bed? Was he that oblivious to anyone but himself? All these thoughts occurred to me in a flash before he grunted and apologized, but it was one of those apologies that said, "It's your fault, not mine really." He immediately made an excuse, "I thought it'd be safe here on my side of the bed."
"Didn't you SEE my FEET?" I cried in agony. (Well, less agony, more annoyance). He sighed and shrugged...and promptly left the room. No goodbyes...he just left for work.
The point is...when we're wrapped up in our own little problems, sometimes we fail to see those of the people around us and their needs.
On the drive in to work today as I sat nursing my hot coffee, waiting for the light to change, I tried to be as observant as I could, letting details that usually escape me, stand out in great detail. Things I usually took for granted captured my attention, and held it sharply, even for a few moments before they sailed by on the journey to the office.
I want to see the people around me and notice them. I want to remember what the sky looks like this afternoon, or how good the coffee smells when it's brewing. I want to remember the smile on my husbands face when I hold his hand and tell him I love him, even if he did crush my feet and run off with a half-hearted apology, without saying goodbye, because I know, I'm just as guilty of ignoring his needs and because I don't want to forget what it's like to really live.
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